Derik Badman's Journal

2019-07-23 08:07

A storm front moved through yesterday evening and this morning the temperature is down to a pleasant high 60s. Taking my morning walk was a pleasant respite rather than an oppressive slog.

Working yesterday, my i.d.e. kept doing this weird thing where it would stall on something I was needing to do repeatable, and I got very angry. Little things like that, that slow me down, break the flow, really start to drive me crazy when they keep happening. A small handful of times, ok, but as the repetitions build up my frustration and then anger increases until I'm cursing (not very creatively) aloud. I don't know what it is, maybe just a tipping point from my existing stress, that makes me get like that, but I've noticed it happening and tried to be more aware of it. Seems like it is directly related to how stressed I feel about work, stress that has only increased over the years, and something that I didn't have as much of when I worked at the library. At the library I was hard to feel the urgency of anything, or the direct results of my actions (beyond when you actually just helped a person with a reference question or something). Now, I know that my mistakes can damage our app, potentially cause it to crash, and then piss off a lot of customers and potentially cost us revenue, etc. I feel that, because I feel responsible for my work and the app I work on. After 9 years of working on it (for most of them by myself), it is as much mine as the company's (not in a legal sense of course), as lead developer I'm also responsible for its maintenance and continued smooth running. Stressful.

After 9 years, it's only more recently that I finally feel like I've gotten rid the imposter syndrome of thinking I'm not a real programmer or don't know what I'm doing. I came to the job very green with almost no experience, but over the years I've learned so much, that now, in doing interviews of candidates, or dealing with my colleagues, I actually realize that I am knowledgeable and skilled at this work, at least in my corner of it (javascript, html, php, primarily). I wish that made me feel less stressed out.

Lianne is coming home later today. It's been 5 days since she left, and I'll be very happy to have her back. In her not being here, it's helped that I spent a lot of time at ███'s, especially in the evening for dinner. It's less noticeable when I'm not alone in the house at night (perhaps because I am used to being alone in the house during the day).