Derik Badman's Journal

Content Tagged "Stress"

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2019-10-08 08:18

It's Lianne's birthday today, so I took the day off, but thanks to the magic of release week at work, I'll be doing some work today to prep myself. I've been extremely nervous about this week's release, as we/I made some serious changes to the both codebase and how part of the infrastructure will work which always means there can be unexpected issue transitioning from our staging environment to our various production regions. The rest of the week may be hectic and crazy or maybe it will be perfectly calm and fine. I have no way to know at this point.

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2019-10-01 08:03

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  • Stress

2019-08-06 12:50

I've been trying to be more conscious about stress and anger lately. I need to better identify and deal with my stressors. Work is often the main one, but so is Buddy, especially lately. And often those two combine: I'm working and stressed about it and then Buddy wakes up and stands next to my chair meowing incessantly. He wants pets or sometimes food, and he just won't shut up, and that combination tends to set me off into being angry and cursing. My anger is never of the hurting type, it's just cursing and sometimes banging on things. One time many years ago, when I was still pretty new at my job, inexperienced, and really struggling with some programming issues, I got so stressed and angry I kicked the wall in my old office. Put a divot in the drywall. I felt so bad about that, I've never done anything like that since. So I don't worry about breaking things or hurting myself (or Buddy), but I don't like the way I feel, tensed up, with this sense of energy that needs to be expended. It's like the build up of the stress is also a build up of energy in my body and at a certain point it reaches the maximum I can hold. I need to do something, cause it can't be good for me to feel this way.

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2019-07-23 08:07

Working yesterday, my i.d.e. kept doing this weird thing where it would stall on something I was needing to do repeatable, and I got very angry. Little things like that, that slow me down, break the flow, really start to drive me crazy when they keep happening. A small handful of times, ok, but as the repetitions build up my frustration and then anger increases until I'm cursing (not very creatively) aloud. I don't know what it is, maybe just a tipping point from my existing stress, that makes me get like that, but I've noticed it happening and tried to be more aware of it. Seems like it is directly related to how stressed I feel about work, stress that has only increased over the years, and something that I didn't have as much of when I worked at the library. At the library I was hard to feel the urgency of anything, or the direct results of my actions (beyond when you actually just helped a person with a reference question or something). Now, I know that my mistakes can damage our app, potentially cause it to crash, and then piss off a lot of customers and potentially cost us revenue, etc. I feel that, because I feel responsible for my work and the app I work on. After 9 years of working on it (for most of them by myself), it is as much mine as the company's (not in a legal sense of course), as lead developer I'm also responsible for its maintenance and continued smooth running. Stressful.

After 9 years, it's only more recently that I finally feel like I've gotten rid the imposter syndrome of thinking I'm not a real programmer or don't know what I'm doing. I came to the job very green with almost no experience, but over the years I've learned so much, that now, in doing interviews of candidates, or dealing with my colleagues, I actually realize that I am knowledgeable and skilled at this work, at least in my corner of it (javascript, html, php, primarily). I wish that made me feel less stressed out.

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2019-07-09 08:05

I think I had an actual nightmare last night. I don't recall the last time that happened, but I woke up from this dream in a start and was freaked out until my brain acclimated to reality. The dream was like this weird jack and the beanstalk thing where I was me but I felt like a smaller creature/person and I was hiding from some larger person/monster in what amounted to four pretty small rooms. The person/monster was mostly in the kitchen. I was sneaking around, scared to be seen but also knowing it knew I was there. I remember at the end being in the kitchen and it had a large ax and I suddenly had some kind of weapon. When it attacked me I willed myself to not be hurt and it was like I was sort of controlling the dream retroactively by visualizing effects contrary to what I was seeing. The monster and I were fighting. I awoke.

I'm not sure I'm ready to try to analyze what that's all about. Yesterday wasn't a particularly stressful day for me. Work is often stressful lately (lately being a few years now), but I managed to accomplish what I was working on yesterday without excessive hair pulling and gnashing of teeth.

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